The Ugly Blog

Santa isn’t real?! What a sad day it was when this was revealed to me, but part of growing up and maturing is “putting away childish things”, many of which are myths that give us false illusions. I have been walking with Jesus for 37 years and, over and over, I find myself confronted with another myth that must die. The most recent is the revelation that the more mature I become in my faith, the less certain I am about my faith. I have always believed the myth that maturity in Christ brings a clear certainty about what I believe, but now I am learning the ugly secret that this is not true… I think! Now, you may say it is just a lack of faith, or giving in to doubts, but I think it is what King David learned after many years of following after God’s heart when he says, “In the course of my life he broke my strength” (Ps.102:23)

This shaking of my confidence and certainty is very humbling, as I am surrounded by the strong young leaders that I am mentoring who look to me for direction. What happened to me? I used to have all the answers, a verse for everything, a decisive decision maker, and now I find myself getting advice from my 6 year old granddaughter. Recently I was driving Keyara back to her house after a sleepover at grandma and grandpas. I was telling her about a hawk I saw on my walk that morning that had killed a little squirrel and how sad it was. She said “the Hawk has to eat and feed his babies”, I said yes, but it was still sad. Sensing I still needed some encouragement, from the back seat she said, “Grampy, sometimes you gots to do what you gots to do”. Yes, that is it! The wisdom was what I needed to hear to help me make a leadership decision I had been wrestling with. O yes, a little child can lead us, if He has broken your strength.

I think the Apostle Peter arrived at this point of ugly maturity after denying Jesus 3 times and being restored to Jesus after the resurrection. Jesus gave him a prophetic picture of his future death, and I believe of the rest of his life, “I tell you the truth, when you were younger, you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old (mature) you will stretch out your hands and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go”. I know Jesus was speaking of the death that Peter would glorify God with, but I also think this is the life of dependency and weakness that maturity brings. In the course of Peter’s life, Jesus broke his strength.

The strength of my beliefs may be weak at times, but it only strengthens my trust in Jesus. I am often uncertain of the direction I need to lead the church in, but that only increases my dependency on the Shepherd. I may struggle with inner confidence of being up for the task, but I know He is my rock. Of course I would rather “dress myself”; it’s embarrassing to have to admit to my young leaders that I have no idea what to do next and that they need to help lead me.

Why does God do this to us? Consider these words from Thomas Merton: “a man who is not stripped and poor and naked within his own soul will always unconsciously do the work he has to do for his own sake rather than for the glory of God.” He weakens our strength only to protect us from the wickedness of self confidence in order to bring us to complete dependency on Christ, giving all the glory to God.

We must learn to celebrate our weakness and uncertainty, knowing they are invitations to know Him better; but the better I know Him, the less certain I am of knowing Him. Beware of God experts, of bible teachers who have it all figured out, and especially of end time specialists who know the identity of Gog and Magog. Watch out for leaders who don’t walk with a limp of uncertainty.

The path to maturity is a painful experience. It involves letting go of certainty, and being willing to live in the mystery of not knowing, but knowing Him. We stop depending on our doctrinal certainty, and rest in knowing that He is the truth. We retire from being the expert who tells everyone how to do it, and we point people to the true Shepherd who holds our hand and guides us. We are insecure and fearful, yet we find in Jesus the strength to be able to what He has called us to do. With Him holding my hand I find the courage “to do what I gots to do”, and that is Ugly Maturity.

Sitting alone in the quiet beauty of the North Georgia woods, journal in hand, hungry to hear the Father’s words, suddenly my mind flashed back to the past week to a conversation I had after church. I was standing around with some of my young leaders, when we were once again interrupted, by the shrill high pitched words “how about those high gas prices!” It was him again: a severely autistic young man named Daniel. After making his comment to us, (which is the only thing he ever says, and in a voice that is an octave above Tiny Tim), I made fun of him after he walked away, drawing laughter from these disciples. With a sound of sadness in His whisper, my peaceful time of reflection was disrupted with the piercing words, “as you have treated the least of these so you have treated me” (Mat.25:40). My heart sank as I realized what a terrible example of a leader (not to mention as a Christian) I had been. With a guilty broken heart I repented to the Father, asking for His mercy and help to love with His love.

The words that came next as I journaled were even more shocking, “Jamie, you need Daniel more than he needs you”. What? What can a severely handicapped man do for me? How can one who is so weak and dependent, do something for me? I knew I was about to be enrolled in a new training course of the kingdom. (I do not remember registering for this course!)

The Sunday after returning home, I had just sat down in my normal spot in the front row when Daniel plopped down in the seat next to me. As we were worshipping, I couldn’t help watching him. He stands looking down, holding his wrist with his other hand, rocking back and forth ever so slightly, never singing a word. The Lord whispered to me that Daniel was dancing before Him in worship and He delighted in it. Tears welled up as I began to “see” Daniel with the Fathers eyes. Daniel is not like some who try to draw attention to themselves, flailing their hands in the air, which is often far more about ‘notice me’ than it is about worship. Daniel has no awareness of others; he was just dancing before the one who delights in him.

I was just starting my message when Daniel got out of his seat and began walking toward the pulpit. It was only a matter of seconds but my mind raced with thoughts of what would happen next. Standing right in front of me, with the entire congregation watching in suspense, without saying a word, he handed me his Bible. At that moment I knew what he was up to – several weeks earlier when my wife Kim was preaching, he had handed me his Bible to help him find where we were reading. So what do you do as the “anointed man of God” when you are interrupted in the middle of your message by “the least of these”? I stopped, smiled, took the Bible and opened it to Nehemiah chapter 9.

After that service, I had many people approach me with tears thanking me for how I handled Daniel. None of them referenced my great message, only my simple act of kindness to one who is unable to say thank you. None of them knew that just a few weeks earlier their great loving pastor had made fun of this man. If I had not had that time of repentance with the Lord, I am sure that I would not have handled it the same way. The next week it happened again, and this time I asked one of the young leaders to help him find his place in the Bible. To Daniel, he is not trying to make a scene; I am convinced he is unaware of all the people watching him. It is just his way of saying “I trust you” and reminding me that I am no big deal.

The Apostle Paul, when writing about the Church as a body and how God has designed it, says, “the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor”. (1 Cor.12:22-23) God has designed His church to need weak members, who seem to have nothing to offer for the success of the ministry. But the very success of our ministry is learning to love the least of these. God will deposit these treasures in a church that is a safe place for the nobodies, the broken, the poor and the Ugly. I am honored to have a church that loves the Daniels and gets it that we need them far more than they need us.

Here are a few of my early lessons from the “book of Daniel”.

1. I am a very shallow person and have a long way to go in learning to love as He loves.

2. Those who reveal our weakness and inadequacies are gifts from the Father to humble us and teach us to depend on His grace. Who is your Daniel?

3. Pretty, successful, and strong churches are not safe places for the least of these; it will require Ugly Churches that do not hide their weakness and failures that welcome the broken. Could you pray a dangerous prayer asking Jesus to send His Daniels to your church?

4. Worship is far more than noise and movement, it may be silent, still, and even awkward on the outside but on the inside a joyful celebration maybe going on.

5. People watch us as leaders and Christians much more than they listen to us.

6. The Body of Christ is strong not because it is made up of strong members, but because the Head of the Church is the Lord of the universe. Until we realize how weak we really are, we will keep depending on human strengths, missing the power of grace.

7. I may have opened the Bible for Daniel, but God used him to open my eyes to the Bible.

8. Ugly Dancing is beautiful to Jesus. Stop trying to be a performer in worship, it is not about “Dancing with the Stars”, it is about Dancing with the Daniels.

The world has all but forgotten the true meaning of Christmas, and the Church is not far behind. Of course, most believers remember that it’s about the birth of Jesus, not Santa and presents, but that is about as deep as it goes. Christmas has a dark side that we have covered over, not wanting to spoil the pretty image. Have you ever seen a Christmas card with a bloody scene of slaughtered babies?

In the scriptures, we find that Satan understood the meaning of Christmas far more than the people of God. The Gospel of Matthew presents the birth of Jesus as a violent event filled with weeping and heartbreak. When the Wise Men from the East arrive to worship the new King that was born, they check in with the ruler of the Jews, King Herod. This creates fear in the kings’ heart that there has been born a new king that may threaten his rule. Herod sends out orders to destroy all the boys in Bethlehem and the surrounding area under the age of two (Matt. 2:16). We cannot imagine the grief and the pain that came as a result of the birth of Jesus and the price these families paid because of it. This pretty Christmas setting filled with “peace on earth and goodwill to men” is shattered by violence and death.

It is too easy to pass off this slaughter as the work of an insanely jealous king who would do anything to remain in power. Yes, he was evil-he had killed his own wife and three of his sons already. But behind the hatred of Herod there stands a far greater evil with unimaginable hatred that fully knows who this child in swaddling clothing is.

In the Book of Revelation, John unveils for us the spiritual battle that is behind all of history. He uses both mythological and Old Testament language to reveal the Spiritual realities of this “war in the Heavens”. John sees a vision of a glorious woman who gives birth to a son in the presence of a terrible dragon waiting to “devour her child the moment it was born” (Rev. 12:1-4). John tells us this child is destined to rule as king over all nations (Rev. 12:5). John pulls back the veil on the real battle that is raging between God and Satan.

This battle is first spoken of in the Garden of Eden after the fall of man, and God gives the prophetic promise of the defeat of Satan by His seed, Jesus (Gen. 3:15). Ever since this prophecy of the coming Redeemer, the Evil One has been attempting to destroy the “seed of woman”. We see this graphically in Pharaohs’ killing of all the babies among the Hebrews, fearing a deliverer had been born (Ex. 1:16). Pharaoh was correct in his fears, but failed to stop God’s deliverer from liberating the people of God.

Satan’s knowledge is nothing compared with God’s, but he knows far more than most Christians do about who this child is that was born in a manger. He views Christmas as the beginning of an invasion by a King who has come to reclaim from him all that belongs to God. God became a man so He could destroy the devil and set free all those held captive by him (Heb. 2:14-15).

The birth of Jesus was an act of war. Yes, he came to “bring peace on earth” but it will cost Him His life on a cross to purchase this peace. The birth of Jesus is far more than a warm touching story we celebrate with gifts to one another. There is far more beauty in understanding His birth with all this Ugliness than attempting to “clean it up” to make it more presentable. As we celebrate Christmas this year, let’s do so with the armor of God on and the sword of His Spirit in our hands, ready for battle. We will follow our King into the battles ahead, knowing that He has already defeated our enemies. This may mess up your dreams of a pretty Christmas, but an Ugly Christmas brings the reality of true peace.

Tonight will be the release party of our first home grown album, “Ugly Worship”, written, performed, and produced by our church, the Cape Vineyard, so I wanted to share some history of how we got here. Some mistakenly have thought that this whole Power of Ugly thing is just a gimmick, marketing strategy, or attempt at being relevant. The reality is that Ugly is who we are as a community of believers-it is our DNA. We have embraced the promise that “in our weakness His strength is made perfect” (2 Cor. 12:9). We celebrate our need for grace, because we are weak, dependent sheep who must have a Shepherd. We believe that the Ugly soil of our pain, brokenness, and scars is where the grace of God grows best.

Many years ago the founder of the Vineyard drove his car to a dump and unloaded years of sheet music and songs that he had written as a professional musician. As John drove away from the dump leaving “a lifetime of work, sinking down into the mud and garbage,” his wife Carol said, “this was the beginning of Vineyard worship”. (Adapted from “The Way In Is the Way On”). Thus Vineyard worship was born out of John’s complete abandonment to the will of God, and through this Ugly death experience, Vineyard worship has grown to touch the Church worldwide. John taught us to measure the health of the Vineyard movement through the kinds of songs being written.

My journey into our style of “Ugly Worship” began in my early years of ministry through the death of a four year-old boy. You can read about it in the Power of Ugly, in the chapter Ugly Worship. This extremely painful experience made me learn how to worship in the midst of pain, without answers and the warm emotions of the nearness of the Father, but rather out of the weak places, in celebration of whatever grace you’ve received.

Wimber would sometimes ask this penetrating question about the movement he led, “Is Jesus still giving us His song?” I cannot answer that question for the entire Vineyard but for our church I can say, “Yes”. Jesus has been depositing His song in the hearts of our community of weak, courageous Christ followers. I have prayed for many years for His song to rise out of the soil of this church and this album “Ugly Worship” is His beauty growing out of the fertile ground of our weaknesses.

The songwriters are reflective of who we are as a church. Chad, who is just learning the guitar, has two amazing songs on the record (which drives the veterans crazy). RJ carries on the legacy of his father Chuck who was a leader in our church and worship team for years and is now with Jesus. I have watched Charles, who I have pastored for over 30 years, walk through great brokenness earning the right to sing “Offering”. KC, our youngest writer at 17, writes out of the pain of the recent loss of her mother. Skyler, who has welcomed the Father into inner struggles and writes out of the grace he’s received in these dark places. Jesús, (who with a name like that has to be a good worshiper) and his family started our Hispanic ministry years ago and now he helps lead us in both English and Spanish. Finally, Caleb who pastors our church with my wife Kim and I, who is the reason this album has come together.

Eight years ago, I hired a 17 year old out of our student ministry as a part time worship leader. That decision cost me dearly with those among us that did not see what the Father was doing as He was making us multi-generational. Over the years, Caleb has been a “Timothy” to me and has taken whatever I have deposited in him and has multiplied it many times over by investing in others. In many ways, he could have produced this album on his own, without including others, but we embrace the African proverb, “if you want to go fast, go alone; but if you want to go, far go together”-and he chose to go far.

The main ingredients of Ugly Worship are writing out of our struggles and weakness, being broken vessels who allow glorious light to shine through us. Not professionals or performers, but followers of Jesus who can only give away what they have first received. Not theory, great sounding concepts, or pretty words, but dirty worship filled with the earth of life; songs born out of pain, doubts and the joy of discovering His strength in weakness. Honest, humble lovers of Jesus who sing His song back to Him.
I hope you get a copy of Ugly Worship and experience the heart of our church reflected in these simple songs. I believe Ugly Worship will release people from the trap of trying to be pretty, all together, strong worshippers attempting to give God the offering of our goodness to become empty-handed worshippers who have nothing to offer God but our love and surrender.

We celebrate this birth of Ugly Worship! Our prayer is that our “Offering”, of Ugly Worship will bring glory to the One who gives us His song, Jesus.

For more information about Ugly Worship, the album, click here.

One of the biggest lies churches tell is posted every week on their church signs:    “Everyone Is Welcome”.  Another way the lie is told is, “Come as you are and you will be loved”.  These are great statements made by well-meaning Christians, but little thought is given to what they are asking for.

What they really mean is that all who are like us- the same race, English speaking, belonging to the same political party, agreeing with our views on illegal immigration, and who like the same music we do (of course, hating rap). Come as you are, really? No shoes or shirt? Wearing ball caps and piercings? Smelling like urine? Wearing a shirt that says Coexist, or Pro Choice, or worst of all, “I love President Obama”!

Truth be told, if we could get away with it, we would vet people at the door of our churches, only allowing in those who agree with us, will not bring any messes, look pretty, have a job, and of course, believe in tithing. What the secret knowledge behind our slogan, “all are welcome” really means is that we want nice people who are together, look like us, and will help our church appear more successful.

If we choose to practice the welcome of the Kingdom like Jesus modeled, it will be very costly.  Loving those who are like us requires little grace, but loving those who are different from us requires taking up the cross. I am often haunted and challenged by the question, “Would you want all the same kind of people that hung out with Jesus to come to your church?” If you have not paid any attention to the crowd that was attracted to Jesus take another look. The Gospel of Luke tells us they were the outcasts of society, the losers, the nobodies, the sinful, and the poor. (Luke 15:1, 5:30) Nothing made the religious leaders more upset than the welcome Jesus made to these people. Jesus’ response was to tell them that “it is the sick that need a doctor”, and that He was the great Physician. (Luke 5:31)

Of course it is not that nice people are not sick and in need of Doctor Jesus-but they are in such denial that they would not come to him for healing.  We are all sinfully sick people in need of the Gospel cure. This requires the church to be a hospital for broken people, not a university for saints, or a love boat for eating fried chicken buffets, or a fortress that is firing its guns at the evil world.  Hospitals are a messy, bloody and sometimes dangerous place where you catch infections-yet they are a place of hope and healing.

At the Vineyard we do not welcome everyone; we have a warning sign that says “No Perfect People Are Allowed“.  We station guards at the door and require evidence of your need for grace before allowing you to enter. (Ok, for those of you without a sense of humor, we don’t actually do that). It hit me freshly the other weekend at one of our “inspiring” services that we really are a broken group of Christ followers. We were taking up the offering, and I was about to offer up the anointed prayer when I looked down at one of our ushers who had shoved the wooden handle of the offering bag into his butt crack! I am not talking under his belt or shoved in with his shirt, no – it was deep into his bare butt crack.  As a pastor, this is when your life passes by in front of you, and you want to trade in your church for a new one; with every eye, including the guests who were dressed nicely and looked as if they might actually have a job, looking at the usher, oblivious, with the offering bag sticking out of his crack. How do you pray? “Father, help us to give generously today and please cleanse the bag handle from any nasty brown stuff”.  I was so conflicted between anger at this guy and embarrassment and fear of a bad offering that I barely choked out a fake prayer. You know the whole time the Father was laughing.

Our Heavenly Father does not tolerate broken people, He delights in them. To Him, diversity is beautiful and uniformity is death.  The back wall of our church is covered with huge pictures of people from all around the world. When we hung the “missional pictures”, I told our predominately white church that this is how we will look in the future, and until then we will keep the pictures of diversity on the wall. Yes, they were reminders of the nations around the world, but they also reflected the cultural diversity in our city. We are getting very close to being able to take those pictures down as our church is becoming very diverse. The Kingdom of God is filled with diversity under the banner of King Jesus. Under His Lordship, we must not allow any other loyalties to come before His Kingdom. Not our national loyalties, political affiliation, racial heritage, personal opinions, native language, dress, or musical tastes. We all come to the cross as sinners in need of forgiveness; no one comes in another way. When we say the words “Our Father” to address our God in prayer we obligate ourselves to love everyone else who calls Him Father, as our family.

If you are not being challenged in your church to love those who are very unlike you, it may be time to pray a dangerous prayer like, “Father please bring people into our church and into my life that are different and require a huge dose of your grace for me to love”.  I am grateful that we have an Ugly Church (read about it in The Power of Ugly) that exposes how judgmental, unloving, prideful and un-Christ-like I am.  We better start growing in welcoming those He loves, or Heaven will be a horribly shocking experience-if we make it!

“And they sang a new song: ‘You are worthy to take the scroll and to open the seals, because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased people for God from every tribe and language and people and nation.’” Rev.5:9

Let’s learn to start singing this new song now in our churches by practicing the radical welcome of the Kingdom, or we will rob people from hearing the life transforming Good News of the Kingdom message. Let’s welcome everyone who comes, no matter how Ugly they are, remembering that there is abundant grace to cover all our cracks!