I wanted to scream “nooooo!” but it was too late. She jumped! I was at a Christian concert and stage diving was in vogue-something I am grateful was not around in the 70’s. Several kids had jumped off the stage and their friends caught them, and so this rather large girl decided to join in the fun. With great faith in the crowd, she leaped off the stage. As she was in her mid-air flight, she had the horror of witnessing everyone scatter. She face planted on the ground, bounced, and rolled to a stop. I must confess that I was conflicted between inappropriate laughter and compassion for her; of course the laughter won out.
The song “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother” sounds so sweet, but is far from the truth. Most of us carry a lot of baggage and make for heavy lifting. Jesus tells the story of a crippled man that was unable to get to Him for healing on his own, but he was blessed to have four friends who carried him to Jesus (Mark 2:3). These friends go to great lengths to help their friend, they even “dug a ditch” in a roof to get him to Jesus. (See Ugly Ditches) The fact that Mark tells us that it took four friends to carry this guy makes me wonder if he was a big dude. These guys were straining under the dead weight of their friend, probably praying, “O God, O God, O God, Help”-as they sang “He is so heavy, but he’s my brother”.
I will confess, I am a heavy load for my friends. I often remind them, “it costs to be my friend.” I am so blessed to have a number of really good friends in my life who have, on many occasions, helped carry me to Jesus. I know these friends are a gift from God, but I have had to cultivate these friendships. Proverbs tells us that “he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed” (11:25). Friends may come into your life by the providence of God, and He expects us to be friendly and to serve others without putting expectations on them. Nothing will ruin a friendship quicker than unhealthy expectations.
Loneliness is a plague in our hooked up society. We may have acquaintances, but few friends. Again Proverbs warns, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (18:24). The question is not how many people do you know, or how many “facebook friends” do you have, but who are you investing in as a friend without expecting something in return. Friendships take time, and are deepened through hard times. It has been in the dark places of my life where my deepest friendships have been forged. Seeing me in all my ugliness and still loving me, “A friend loves at all times.” (Pro. 17:17)
You might ask,” How many friends do you need?” My answer is how heavy are you? The bigger the load you are, the greater number of friends you need. I know I am heavy, requiring many strong friends. That obligates me to do a lot of heavy lifting for others, investing in them and acting as a friend. We must sow friendship to reap friends. You must catch stage divers before you expect to be caught!
There are no perfect friends out there, only broken people who are just like you. If you are expecting someone to never hurt you or let you down-a pretty friend-you are going to be greatly disillusioned. Only Jesus is a friend that will never fail us. All my friends are Ugly, because I am Ugly. We show each other grace to cover our weaknesses with a “love that covers a multitude of sin” (1 Peter 4:8). Here is one of my Ugly Friends reviews of my book The Power of Ugly:
“I once read this, ‘Friendship is like a prism through which the many variations of beauty are revealed in our lives.’ Jamie Stilson has been one of those great friends ever since I first met him nearly twenty-five years ago. But in this case, he has been the kind of friend that has helped reveal the ‘ugly’ in my own life. Whether traveling to Africa together or just doing lunch together every Monday for the last fourteen years, Jamie has shown me how to take God seriously without taking myself too seriously. Jamie has helped me to see my own ugliness and my need of God’s humbling grace. I absolutely loved reading his book, The Power of Ugly, because it so represents who he is-authentic, earthy, funny, insightful and in love with Jesus. This is a must read, you will laugh and you will cry. You will be challenged and you will be blessed. For sure, you will get a fresh new view of your ugly self and of God’s beautiful grace.” Dennis Gingerich, Founding Pastor Cape Christian Fellowship, Cape Coral, FL.
There are few people who, like Dennis, know all my ugliness and still love me. It is so humbling to have friends like him. Beautiful friends who never have a weakness are usually artificial, superficial and terrible stage diving catchers. Give me any ugly friend who loves me in spite of all my weaknesses any day over a fake pretty friend.
Here is a simple friendship test:
1. You need to move-who do you call to help pack? Who have you helped move?
2. You have two tickets to the NBA playoffs who do you bring? (assuming your wife hates b-ball).
3. Your teenager has not come home and it is 3 in the a.m., who do you call? (excluding the police and your pastor)
4. Who do you pray for regularly? Who are you aware of that prays for you?
5. Who will serve as pal-bearers at your memorial? Whose funeral have you attended?
6. If you are extremely sick, lying in a bed in Africa with only your tighty-whities on, who will dare to come in and pray for you?
7. Who do you tell your struggles, fears, and sins to?
8. Who will catch you if you go stage diving?
Let me end with a short list of some of my burden-bearing ugly friends who know I am ugly and heavy, but still choose to carry me. Bobby H. (36 yrs.), Dennis G. (25 yrs.), Jorge A (16 yrs.), Bob H. (12 yrs.) ,Jeff S. (5 yrs.), David C. (12 yrs.), David R. (16 yrs.), Bob M. (33 yrs.), Kevin F. (20 yrs.), Gary S. (32 yrs.), Steve L. (20 yrs.), Charles M. (30 yrs.). You all have helped carry me to Jesus to find healing, your love has covered a multitude of my sins and my life is richer because of you. Thank you my ugly brothers from another mother.
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Whew! I’m glad I made the “band of ugly brothers” list because I am ugly and your brother.
Thanks…it’s a great privileges to call you friend. Thanks for loving an ugly guy like me.
I’m not sure if would catch you stage diving, especially after your laughing spell when I went flying over the handlebars on the scooter. But, I count it a privaledge to be your ugly friend for 36 years. You are truly a friend that has been closer than a brother.
So glad for the privilege of helping to do some of the heavy lifting over the years!
Dude, you got tickets to the playoffs?
I’m blessed to have the friends I do… I don’t deserve them. Thanks for the reminder Jamie! I need to invest more into them… I feel like a selfish friend.
You are my “Ugly Father” and “Ugly Friend”. Not many kids have a Dad they can lean on, cry to, and laugh with. Love you Dad
Wow…… This was a tough read I find myself in reflection. Pondering of all my burdens and I think of how friendship has shaped my life. How it at times has affected my view on God. How a simple question may have turned to a wisdom filled conversation. Reflecting on the part of sacrifice on giving up a restful evening for prayer, crying with those that cry, laughing in times of joy. Who said friendship was easy, Jesus said “pick up your cross and follow me” I feel like that idea can also lend itself to friendship, pick up your friend in times of hurt, rejoicing in times of restoration, looking past our own needs and giving up something for the sake of another, pinning our own desires on the cross and walking it out like Jesus with a heart of service. Beyond our acquaintances in the tough times we find our friends who are just as weak as we are loving the more than we are we find those ugly friends who will stand till the end.
This post cuts me to the core, it really challenges me to have real freindships not just alot. A lot of times i am fooled in thinking that the more Freinds I have the better off I am . But I am learning that that I not true . This pos challenges me to take inventory of my freindships . I dot want to fall flat on my face . I also want to learn to not have unrealistic expectations .”Nothing will ruin a friendship quicker than unhealthy expectations. “
Selfless investment is definitely the key to building strong relationsips and I am so lucky to have some of those in my life and even new ones now that are even starting now. It has also been exciting to build relationships together as a couple with other couples to hang out with, laugh, and challenge eachother and to see where God takes these relationships will be a fun/challenging journey.
Thank you and Kim for raising 3 amazing women who are there for me every day as ugly friends and sisters. Your family has shown me many things I want to instill in my children especially what a true “Ugly Friend” looks like!
Holding on to Ugly Friends doesn’t come cheaply. Every time I read your blogs I am challenged to be a better person. This is Good
Hmm, wow is what I’m thinking right now. These past few days as I have been catching up on the blog, I have noticed that the theme of the message is related to what I felt in the morning and posted on facebook. Today, I was going to post, “A word of encouragement can carry you through a rough time even for several days.” But then, I thought people (good friends) would assume I was looking for encouragement so I shortened it to “A word of encouragement can change a person’s entire day
” More outwardly focused that way.
It is no coincidence that this past few weeks has been extra tough as we have faced losing everything, again. Caleb offered me a word of encouragement Monday that lasted all the way until this morning. I have found several small things during this time that just completely tickle my Joy button and “carry” me through when I feel like giving up or am simply too selfish to be content with staying put until September.
I was one of the few kids in high school that, when asked wheter we would rather have 1 close friend or 100 good acquaintances, I always chose the 100, assuming I’d have a better chance of someone to lean on when in need. Wrong. While, it’s not hard for me to invest in others, it is extremely difficult not to expect things from them, especially growth or change. However, instead of deepening the relationships, I always trashed them when I decided my friends were lost causes, and to this day I have suffered a loss of the community and fellowship I long for.
Wow, just took that test and failed from multiple angles. Interesting. I couldn’t even give an answer for most of them. Probably something I should talk to someone about.